Hanging On

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way- Pink Floyd

Got some news for you boys, it's not just the English way. Although my desperation is beginning to feel less quiet, harder to hide. It's like it's percolating inside me and the pressure mounts each day.

Yesterday I was unable to pay to get to a job interview. I had to borrow the money, not for the first time, in order to get downtown to a recruiting firm. After rushing there, developing several new blisters on my feet that have me hobbling today, my new recruiter said there weren't any jobs available. But I should keep him apprised of my job situation and if, if, something comes up he'll let me know. Dejected and in pain, I wandered back the 30 blocks or so to the train station. It's funny too, this recruiter had expressed sympathy for the trek from the suburbs to downtown but in spite of that psuedo-sympathy, he had no problem wasting my time with a 20 minute discussion of their lack of jobs that meet my qualifications.

On the train ride home my phone rang. Excitedly I answered, hoping it was a job call. It was. But before my hopes raised, the woman on the other end told me it was a "proactive interview" with no available positions at this time. Timeframe for when positions might be available? Nope. I, of course, accepted the interview. What else can I really do at this point, besides hang on?

The Others

Sitting by our apartment complex's pool, waiting for my black bean burgers to heat up on the grill, I got the question every job seeker dreads in mixed company; "how's the search going? Any good leads?" Those questions are usually followed up by the "what are you looking to do?" and looks of sympathy as the questioner realizes I've got none of those super valuable advanced technical skills or accounting experience.

I know our guests were just being polite, hoping to have the opportunity to offer me some encouragement. But I've found that spending any down time away from the endless lists of job postings and websites and resume revisions is best spent pretending I'm normal. Pretending that everything is OK, while inside there's turmoil and constant frustration. Unfortunately, the longer I search, the greater the distance between myself and those around me who get up every day and head off to work. The more impossible I find it to field those questions, which inevitably come after the "how are you?" And the harder it's becoming to keep up the facade of calm certitude, the thin grip on optimism that this test too shall pass.

Today my laptop died and I lost for a while that grip, it's slipped now. Now I have to spend some time wiping my damp palm, hoping that my next handhold will be stronger, last longer. Hoping that the next handhold will be helped along and strengthened by a call for an interview, an encouraging e-mail or a nice lotto win.

I suppose that's the trouble with hope and optimism though. They can exist independent of support and sometimes even reality. Sure would be nice though to have a little external push to help me keep keeping on.

Another Job Fair

Waiting for a half an hour to speak for less than five minutes to a recruiter from a staffing agency at a local job fair today, I met a man close to my father's age. He said he has two teenagers and he's been looking for work since September.

Given the anxiety that I'm already beginning to feel three months into the search for my next new position, I can only imagine how I would feel if I had more than my cat, Lizzie, depending on me for income. Stressful as the unemployment situation has been, I feel grateful that it's just me.

I've started this blog to describe the ups and downs of job searching during the so-called "economic crisis." Of course, in developing my blogging media skills I am also hopeful that this blog will not last long as a chronicle of unemployment but rather will become an exercise in writing.

One last note on job fairs- they would be so much more useful if they had actual jobs on offer.