The Others

Sitting by our apartment complex's pool, waiting for my black bean burgers to heat up on the grill, I got the question every job seeker dreads in mixed company; "how's the search going? Any good leads?" Those questions are usually followed up by the "what are you looking to do?" and looks of sympathy as the questioner realizes I've got none of those super valuable advanced technical skills or accounting experience.

I know our guests were just being polite, hoping to have the opportunity to offer me some encouragement. But I've found that spending any down time away from the endless lists of job postings and websites and resume revisions is best spent pretending I'm normal. Pretending that everything is OK, while inside there's turmoil and constant frustration. Unfortunately, the longer I search, the greater the distance between myself and those around me who get up every day and head off to work. The more impossible I find it to field those questions, which inevitably come after the "how are you?" And the harder it's becoming to keep up the facade of calm certitude, the thin grip on optimism that this test too shall pass.

Today my laptop died and I lost for a while that grip, it's slipped now. Now I have to spend some time wiping my damp palm, hoping that my next handhold will be stronger, last longer. Hoping that the next handhold will be helped along and strengthened by a call for an interview, an encouraging e-mail or a nice lotto win.

I suppose that's the trouble with hope and optimism though. They can exist independent of support and sometimes even reality. Sure would be nice though to have a little external push to help me keep keeping on.